When Your Child Starts Asking About Death, Heaven, Past Lives and What Happens Next..

There is a moment many parents aren’t quite prepared for.

It can happen in the car. At bedtime. Walking through the supermarket. After a grandparent dies. After seeing a dead bird on the road.

Or apparently, as I recently discovered, in a heated philosophical discussion between five-year-olds in the school playground.

“Mum, where do we go when we die?”

“Will you die?”

“Do we come back?”

“Can I come back as an animal?”

“Was I here before?”

“Can I choose who I am next time?”

They are enormous questions coming from very small people.

And perhaps our first job isn’t to have enormous answers.

Perhaps it is simply not to panic.

Children are supposed to ask these questions

One of the most reassuring things I discovered when I started looking into this subject is that a young child asking about death is not necessarily displaying an unhealthy preoccupation with it.

Children are naturally curious. Their little brains are trying to grapple with huge concepts every minute of their waking hours.. They are absorbent sponges – constantly learning and developing.

Death is one of the great mysteries children are trying to understand.

I remember asking my own parents these questions, and the Nuns who taught at the School I attended – All of which I detail in The Weird Little Girl Who Talked To Ghosts.

But despite having only released my book this year discussing my own take on these topics, and my own personal story of curiosity as a young child with an insatiable appetite for the unseen and unexplainable… to hear this question from my 5 year old daughter threw me.

I really thought we had been discussing these topics enough in our house, especially this year. But, as it turns out that wasn’t enough for my 5 year old to feel confident discussing it on the playground with her peers.

So, it made me think.. How many of us need some skills or advice on discussing these topics with our kids? And how DO we broach subjects like death and heaven and the afterlife with small children without scaring them? Because, as a society we just don’t really talk about some of these topics until someone passes away, or when we are discussing religious beliefs or learnings etc

Deep Dive

So, I decided to do a deep dive into the topic.

How do children determine and understand the concept of death?

Research into childhood development has found that children gradually develop their understanding of death through concepts such as universality — everybody eventually dies; irreversibility — when a body dies it does not start living again; and biological cessation — the physical body stops functioning.

Classic developmental research found that many children begin to understand these concepts somewhere between five and seven years old. 

More recent research suggests some aspects can emerge even earlier.

A major review published in 2026 also found that children are naturally curious about death and benefit from open, supportive, developmentally appropriate conversations rather than adults avoiding the subject entirely.

So when your five-year-old suddenly asks:

“Are you going to die?”

Try not to hear:

“My child is developing a morbid fascination with death.”

You might simply be hearing:

“My child’s brain has just encountered one of the biggest concepts a human being can encounter, and they are trying to understand it.”

Start with: “What do you think?”

This has become one of my favourite responses to big questions.

Instead of immediately answering:

“This is what happens when we die…”

try asking:

“What do you think happens?”

You may be amazed by the answer.

Children absorb ideas from everywhere: parents, grandparents, religion, school, books, television, movies, friends and their own imaginations and experiences.

Research actually shows that children can hold biological and spiritual understandings of death simultaneously. A child can understand that the physical body stops functioning and at the same time believe that a soul, consciousness or some other part of us continues.

Those two ideas don’t necessarily have to be presented as enemies.

Children are naturally more open to concepts that adults are, because they don’t have the fear context.

You might say:

“Some people believe we go to Heaven.”

“Some people believe we are born again.”

“Some people believe our energy or consciousness continues.”

“Some people don’t believe there is anything after death.”

“And there are some things human beings simply don’t know for certain.”

That final sentence may be one of the most valuable things we can teach our children.

It is okay not to know.

Child psychologist Dr Clark Goldstein makes a similar point. His advice to parents is to answer children honestly and in an age-appropriate way that reflects the family’s values, while also being comfortable saying, “I don’t know.” A parent who demonstrates that uncertainty itself does not need to be frightening can help a child become more comfortable with uncertainty too.

What a wonderful skill to give a human being.

Don’t accidentally give them your fear

Children are extraordinary readers of adults.

If a child says:

“I think I lived somewhere else before I came here,”

and our immediate reaction is:

“DON’T SAY THAT!”

we may accidentally teach the child something much larger than our words.

We may teach them:

There are things you experience that you shouldn’t tell me.

There are questions that make adults uncomfortable.

There are parts of yourself that need to be hidden.

The opposite extreme isn’t necessary either.

We don’t need to respond:

“Yes! That definitely happened. Tell me everything. Who were you? Where did you live? How did you die?”

Curiosity can exist without interrogation.

A beautifully neutral response might be:

“That’s really interesting. What do you remember?”

Or:

“How did that feel?”

Or simply:

“You can always tell me about things you experience.”

What does science say about children who talk about past lives?

This is where things become particularly fascinating.

At the University of Virginia School of Medicine, researchers in the Division of Perceptual Studies have spent decades investigating children who spontaneously report what appear to be memories of previous lives.

The research began under psychiatrist Dr Ian Stevenson and has continued through psychiatrist Dr Jim B. Tucker.

The university says researchers have examined thousands of cases. Children in these reports most commonly begin making statements between approximately two and five years of age. Some describe another family, another home, an occupation or circumstances surrounding a death. Researchers have reported cases in which details given by a child were subsequently found to correspond with a deceased person when investigated.

That is extraordinary!

But there is an important distinction.

This research does not mean science has conclusively established reincarnation as fact. Yet.

Nor has science established that we choose our parents, choose our next lifetime, choose whether to return as an animal, or decide exactly when or where we reincarnate.

Those still remain spiritual, philosophical and religious theories.

Tucker’s work investigates whether some children’s reports might be evidence worthy of further study; it does not provide a scientific map of exactly what happens between lives.

And I think we should be comfortable saying that to children too.

“There are people who study this.”

“There are lots of beliefs about it.”

“We don’t know everything yet.”

“What do you think?”

Interestingly, the researchers also advise parents not to interrogate children

This part really resonated with me…

Dr Tucker’s guidance to parents of children reporting apparent past-life memories is to listen respectfully but avoid repeatedly asking pointed or leading questions.

Why?

Because repeated questioning can unintentionally influence a child’s answers and make it difficult to distinguish what the child originally remembered from what may subsequently have been imagined or suggested.

Instead, Tucker recommends gentle, open-ended responses. He also emphasises something very grounding: whatever a child may say about another life, their present life is the life that matters now.

I love that.

You can be curious about what might have been without forgetting where your feet are today.

Teach children discernment, not fear

This is perhaps the most important part for me.

If you are raising an intuitive or spiritually curious child, I don’t believe the answer is to ever frighten them about what they might experience or be experiencing.

But it’s also important that we don’t teach them that every single feeling, dream, image, voice or sensation automatically has a supernatural explanation… because if we don’t they could face feeling detached from real every day life. From being human!

Instead, we can teach discernment.

You might tell them:

“Sometimes our minds make pictures.”

“Sometimes dreams feel incredibly real.”

“Sometimes we have strong feelings or intuitions.”

“Sometimes something happens and we don’t know exactly what caused it.”

“You never have to decide immediately what something means.”

And most importantly:

“If anything ever makes you frightened, uncomfortable or unsafe, come and tell me.”

That sentence matters whether the experience is spiritual, psychological, imaginative or completely ordinary.

Children can have boundaries with spiritual experiences too

For families who do hold spiritual beliefs, I think there is another really empowering concept we can give children:

You are allowed to have boundaries.

Spirituality should never require a child to tolerate fear.

If a child tells you they feel as though someone is near them, or they have a dream that feels like a visitation, or they sense something they don’t understand, there is nothing wrong with teaching them an age-appropriate boundary ritual.

You as the parent, don’t need to validate if there actually is a spirit with them. You just need to validate the experience they are having, and given them advice on boundaries.

Because the act of establishing a boundary can give a frightened child agency and calm.

They might say:

“I don’t want to talk right now.”

“You are frightening me, so please leave.”

“I only want experiences that feel loving and safe.”

“Please don’t come to me when I am sleeping.”

“If there is something I need to know, please find another way to show me.”

Or even simply:

“No thank you. Not now.”

Then bring them firmly back into their physical environment.

Turn on a light.

Hold Mum or Dad’s hand.

Name five things they can see.

Feel their feet on the floor.

Have a drink of water.

Cuddle the dog.

Read a story.

Go back to being five.

That last part is important.

A spiritually curious child is still a child.

They do not need to become the family medium.

They do not need responsibility for messages.

They do not need to interpret every dream.

They do not need to communicate with anybody — living or otherwise — simply because they feel capable of doing so.

Their childhood comes first.

So you can validate the feeling without confirming the explanation. There is a very useful middle ground here.

Imagine a child runs into your bedroom and says:

“There was a man standing beside my bed.”

You don’t necessarily need to say:

“There absolutely was.”

And you don’t need to say:

“Don’t be ridiculous. There was nobody there.”

Try:

“Wow. That sounds like it felt incredibly real. Were you frightened?”

That validates the child without requiring you to validate your interpretation of the event.

Then:

“You are safe here with me.”

“Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“What would help you feel safe now?”

This approach works beautifully whether you interpret the event spiritually, psychologically or simply as something occurring around sleep.

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry notes that younger children can sometimes see or hear things as part of normal imagination, worries or development. Such experiences can also occur with stress, illness, fever, migraine, sleep disruption or mental-health conditions.

And my own personal childhood experiences make me believe our kids are far more perceptive to things we cannot explain, and much more likely to be able to see, hear or feel spirits. Often looking to our parents first during these experiences for some comfort and openness.

So regardless of your beliefs or your own fears surrounding these things, we must remain open, and it’s important to remain curious.

For parents of children seeing spirits

Sometimes parents of super intuitive children know wholeheartedly when our kids are seeing spirits, or when they are talking to them.

Depending on your own level of openness, and your own experiences this can frightening or it could be comforting.

It’s important to never pass your fear onto your child when they are discussing seeing spirits, or feeling them around you.

In my experience, it is usually the spirit of a passed loved one who is connecting with the child, and the intention is always pure. Children are little vessels of love and they naturally vibrate higher than adults and as such, they attract spirits of love and positivity.

What you say to a child when asked about seeing a spirit should be curious and open.

“Mum I saw a woman at the end of my bed last night”

Your response:

“Wow did you. How did that make you feel?”

“What did she look like?”

“Did you recognise her?”

And allow them to discuss their experience in a grounded and supportive way.

Don’t ever ridicule, rush or push as this can be interpreted by the child as though discussing these topics is frustrating, and encourage them to shut down.

If the child says they feel a little scared

If your child says they feel a little scared about the visits, or the experiences they are having please know you can inform them about Spirit Boundary Settings – They have the power and the ability to set boundaries with spirits simply by speaking out loud to the spirit.

Spirits are very respectful of boundaries, and your child simply needs to be reassured of this.

Your child can say:

“Please come back after dinner because I don’t want to talk right now.”

“Can you find a different way to connect with me because I don’t like this way it’s scaring me.”

“Please let me go to sleep right now.”

It’s really vital for parents of super intuitive kids to know this information about boundaries so we can share with our children in a helpful and calm manner if the question ever arises.

When should we seek extra help?

Spiritual beliefs and professional healthcare do not need to oppose one another.

If your child occasionally tells you about a vivid dream, an imaginary friend, a strong intuition or a strange experience but remains happy, functioning, sleeping, learning and playing normally, listening calmly may be all that is required. For most children experiencing the spirit world this is exactly how it will play out. Usually the fear comes from adult perspectives in my experience.

However, if experiences become persistently frightening, are rapidly increasing, interfere with sleeping, school or friendships, are accompanied by confusion or significant changes in behaviour, or ever involve voices telling a child to hurt themselves or somebody else, speak with a doctor or qualified child mental-health professional.

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry specifically recommends professional assessment when unusual perceptual experiences occur alongside disordered thinking or behaviour.

Getting help does not mean saying to your child:

“You were making it up.”

It means:

“Something is frightening you and we are going to help you understand it.”

Those are very different messages.

Be careful with euphemisms about death

For younger children particularly, clear language matters.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends avoiding expressions such as:

“Grandma went to sleep.”

or

“We lost Grandpa.”

Young children are extremely literal. “Went to sleep” can accidentally create anxiety about bedtime, while “lost” can suggest the person might still be found.

Instead:

“Grandpa died. That means his body stopped working.”

You can then add your family’s belief:

“We believe his soul continues, and we believe he will send us signs and let us know his soul is still with us.”

or:

“We believe he is in Heaven with God.”

or:

“We believe love and consciousness continue in ways we don’t completely understand.”

The key is separating what we know biologically from what we believe spiritually.

That distinction doesn’t diminish faith.

I think it actually creates room for faith.

What if they ask, “Are YOU going to die?”

This is the question that breaks every parent’s heart a little.

The truthful answer is yes.

But your five-year-old does not need an existential dissertation.

You can say:

“Everybody dies eventually, but I am planning to be here looking after you for a very, very long time.”

The American Academy of Pediatrics gives similar guidance: reassure children that you are healthy and expect to be with them for a long time without promising something no human can guarantee.

Then ask:

“Did that question make you worried?”

Sometimes the question isn’t actually:

“Explain mortality.”

It is:

“Am I safe?”

And what they’re really asking for is a cuddle.

Teach them they don’t have to convince their friends

This one recently became very personal for me.

Children compare beliefs.

One child believes Heaven is forever.

Another believes in reincarnation.

Another comes from a completely different religion.

Another family may not believe in an afterlife at all.

That playground disagreement can become an incredible opportunity to teach something far greater than reincarnation.

“You don’t have to convince somebody else that your belief is right.”

“And they don’t have to convince you that theirs is right.”

“You can say, ‘That’s what you believe. I think about it differently.’”

Imagine if we taught that skill at five.

Curiosity without superiority.

Conviction without intolerance.

Belief without needing everybody else to agree.

Questions you can use instead of giving answers

When the huge questions arrive, try some of these:

“What do you think?”

“Where did you get that idea?”

“Does thinking about that make you curious or scared?”

“What do you imagine Heaven might be like?”

“Do you think everybody believes the same thing?”

“What do you think a soul is?”

“Do you remember something, or is it more like a feeling?”

“Could there be more than one possibility?”

“Is there anything about this that worries you?”

“What would make you feel safe?”

And one of my favourites:

“Do you want me to tell you what I believe, or do you want me just to listen?”

That gives a child ownership of the conversation.

Maybe we don’t need to raise children with all the answers

Perhaps one of the mistakes adults make is thinking wisdom means certainty.

It doesn’t.

I want my children to know what I believe.

I want them to understand my spirituality.

I want them to know they can talk to me about extraordinary experiences without being laughed at or shamed.

But more than anything, I want them to develop their own discernment.

To know the difference between curiosity and fear.

To know that they can change their mind.

To understand that somebody else’s belief doesn’t threaten theirs.

To know they never have to participate in an experience that frightens them.

To know they can say no.

And to know there are some questions humanity has been asking for thousands of years that we still cannot definitively answer.

Maybe that’s not something we need to fix.

Maybe that’s where wonder lives.

So when a little voice from the back seat asks:

“Mum, where do we go when we die?”

We don’t necessarily need the perfect answer.

Maybe we simply need to turn the radio down and say:

“That’s a really big question.

What do you think?”

And listen.

xxx